Summary
- BIlly Madison’s silliness and humor shine in iconic one-liners and moments of wisdom.
- Billy’s return to school is a journey filled with absurdity and hilarious child-like antics.
- Adam Sandler’s role as Billy is a comedic triumph that solidified his place in ’90s comedy films.
The funniest Billy Madison quotes are a mix of silly one-liners, still-iconic punchlines, and occasional bits of wisdom. Directed by Tamra Davis, Adam Sandler plays the titular childish and under-achieving hotel empire heir in 1995’s Billy Madison. In order to prove that he’s smart enough to take over the company, Billy goes back to elementary school to finish all 12 grades, with each grade lasting for 2 weeks. Today, for those who can understand and appreciate Sandler’s laid-back, underdog comedy, Billy Madison is still considered one of the greatest comedy movies of the ’90s.
The Adam Sandler movies on Netflix have ensured that the comedian remains well-known among younger audiences. However, Sandler’s comedic roots can be traced back to Saturday Night Live in the ‘90s, and his breakthrough roles in the likes of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. The scripts for these films and more are the work of both Sandler and actor, producer, and screenwriter Tim Herlihy, who also worked on SNL. The best Billy Madison quotes represent the earliest movie collaboration between Herlihy and Sandler, which set the foundations for the storytelling in Sandler’s early movies.
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27 “Here’s A Nice Piece Of S***!”
Billy Madison
Adam Sandler was just leaving Saturday Night Live when he set up Billy Madison as his big introduction to Hollywood as a leading man. While the goofy comedy that presented him as an immature manchild was a risk, Sandler clearly knew what he was doing and played to his strengths and sense of humor for the role. He totally embraces the fact that Billy is a childish character and this moment highlights that fact.
When Billy’s father is worrying about his son and his future, he wonders aloud to himself what Billy could possibly be searching for only for the movie to hilariously cut to Billy excitedly finding a piece of dog droppings to use for his latest prank. It is a wonderful on-the-nose comedic moment that juxtaposes Brian Madison’s stoic contemplation with Billy doing the most childish thing imaginable.
25 “Do You Have Any More Gum?”
Billy Madison
With this being the first major starring role in a movie for Adam Sandler, as well as a film he co-wrote, it’s impressive how bold he is with the random humor he inserts into the movie. This includes things suddenly launching into a big musical number going into the climax of the movie with Billy singing a song to regain his confidence to return to school. As is expected with this comedy, the song becomes hilariously foolish by the end.
As the song crescendos with the cast of the movie joining Billy as a choir, the lyrics simply turn to them asking each other if they can borrow some gum. The line is repeated over and over until Billy ends the song with the question one more time, delivering it as if it is a powerful closing line to the tune. It is easy to see how the hilariously absurd moment fits into Sandler’s style now, but when he was still introducing himself to the world, it must have taken a lot of confidence to deliver such a moment.
24 “You Get Your Ass Out There And You Find That F**king Dog.”
Billy Madison
Though Billy is reluctant to go back to school in the first place, he quickly finds that is not only enjoying the first grade, but he is actually flourishing in such an environment. He also learns a lot and gets particularly passionate about one storybook called “The Puppy Who Lost His Way.” The book has such an impact on Billy that he brings it back up in the climax, thinking he is making a profound metaphor. However, his initial reaction makes for one of the funniest moments.
He begins questioning the little boy in the story and his lackluster efforts to find his lost dog.
As Miss Lippy finishes the story, all the young classmates are asleep on the floor, but Billy is wide awake and has some issues. He begins questioning the little boy in the story and his lackluster efforts to find his lost dog. It is oddly endearing that Billy is so caught up in the story, but it becomes hilarious when he loses his cool and begins cursing about this imaginary boy’s lack of motivation.
23 “But You Could Imagine What It’d Be Like If They Did, Right…?”
Bus Driver
Chris Farley’s time on Saturday Night Live alongside Adam Sandler made for some memorable moments, but it is a shame that the two stars never got a chance to work together in a proper buddy comedy in the way Sandler has done with other SNL costars like David Spade and Chris Rock. This brief scene together in Billy Madison is one of the best examples of their cinematic chemistry that could have led to some great movies.
As the students are getting back on the bus, Farley’s bus driver stops Billy to attempt a little male bonding. He makes mention of how attractive he finds Miss Vaughn, then claims that he has slept with her in the past. When Billy quickly calls him out on the lie, the bus driver immediately admits it but then claims he knows someone who did. When Billy calls him out again, the bus driver simply settles on the fact that they can both at least imagine what that would be like.
It is a great display of Farley’s comedic talents while also showing there are people more immature than Billy.
21 “Now You’re All In Big, BIG Trouble.”
Billy Madison
Adam Sandler’s characters can often be aggressive and volatile, but the actor does a great job of making the audience root for them. Even seeing Billy as a privileged rich man going to school with a bunch of kids, the audience cannot help but like him regardless of what he is doing. This is made very clear in the hilarious dodgeball scene. When Billy first attempts to play with the kids, he is quickly hit with a ball and is out of the game.
When he returns, he is not playing around anymore. When the school bully, O’Doyle, attempts to hit Billy again, he effortlessly catches the ball and tells all the terrified youngsters, “Now you’re all in big, BIG trouble.” What follows is a hilariously dark scene of a grown man viciously pelting the youngsters with a ball as hard as he can. As ruthless and unfair as Billy is, it is impossible not to laugh at the moment.
Hilariously, Sandler talked about Billy Madison‘s dodgeball scene years later and admitted that he got a little carried away with things:
There’s a dodgeball scene, and I’m hitting all these first graders really hard with a dodgeball… I hit some kid pretty hard, and he gets upset and he starts crying.
20 “You Blew It!”
Billy Madison
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Even though Billy and Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson) despise each other at first, he quickly grows affection for his teacher. When trying to get Veronica to go out with him, Billy decides to make his classmate Ernie call their teacher.
Thinking that Ernie is trying to ask her out on a date, she explains that grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups. Veronica insults Billy by saying Ernie is more of a grown-up than him, which causes Billy to retaliate and impersonate his buddy over the phone.
The scene ends with Billy hilariously screaming, “You blew it!” even though it was clearly his own fault. This is a great scene that explains how Billy Madison has almost as limited ability to talk to women as an elementary school student. When he loses his temper, he is as mad at himself as he is at Ernie, who realistically did nothing wrong because Billy put him into this awkward position in the first place.
19 “Sometimes I Feel Like An Idiot, But I Am An Idiot So It Kinda Works Out.”
Billy Madison
With Billy Madison revolving around him going back to elementary school at the age of 27, Billy seems to have a somewhat accurate awareness of his level of intelligence. During one of his various graduation parties, Billy and Veronica begin to bond a bit. As they are walking through Billy’s yard, Billy explains, “Sometimes I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.”
Billy Madison would have been a very short film had Billy actually been intelligent, but as shown through one of the more insightful of the funniest quotes, he at least recognizes that he should probably stay in school.
This is also a moment that shows how Billy is the more innocent of most of the people in the movie, including those who are trying to sabotage his attempts to better himself and those who attempt to ruin his chances at making it through school. Billy knows he needs help, while others who are more intelligent are devious in their actions.
18 “I Am The Smartest Man Alive!”
Billy Madison
It goes without saying that Billy is not as smart as the typical 27-year-old, but he does complete what he plans to do — finish first through twelfth grade. Billy is always super proud of himself whenever he gets the tiniest thing correct, which is fueled by his father always throwing him graduation parties for each grade he completes.
In order to pass second grade, Billy has to win the spelling bee by spelling the word “couch.” Billy almost fails by saying “C-O-R…” but then saves it by asking his teacher, “Are you going to the mall later?” before actually spelling “couch” correctly. Billy then declares, “I am the smartest man alive!” and this was a funny Billy Madison quote because he was smart enough to save himself when he realized he was about to get it wrong, and for the fact that he finally spelled it right after he made the save.
It was quick thinking that was not always normal for Billy, which is probably why he was so proud — more than just for spelling “couch” correctly.
17 “Well, ‘Sorry’ Doesn’t Put The Triscuit Crackers In My Stomach, Now Does It, Carl?”
Eric Gordon
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While Adam Sandler obviously gets most of the funniest Billy Madison quotes, Bradley Whitford’s villainous Eric Gordon gets a few memorable lines as well. While waiting for Billy to show up to dinner, Eric is complaining about how hungry he is when Carl Alphonse (Larry Hankin) says that he should have eaten some of the Triscuit crackers that he had in the car.
After Carl apologizes for not telling Eric he had the crackers, Eric responds, “Well ‘sorry’ doesn’t put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now does it, Carl?” The line wasn’t just funny, but it also showed that Eric could sometimes be just as childish as Billy.
The big difference between Eric and Billy is that Billy admits that he knows he isn’t smart and tries to make the best of it. Eric, on the other hand, is completely oblivious to his deficiencies and prefers to instead act out with insolence when things don’t go his way. In the end, the company is better with someone honest like Billy than someone as clueless as Eric.
16 “Chlorophyll? More Like Borophyll.”
Billy Madison
After Billy Madison passes the easier grades, he moves on to high school. In one scene, Billy is in science class learning about chlorophyll, when he blurts out the joke, “Chlorophyll? More like Borophyll!” The other students in his class don’t find the joke to be funny, especially the girl sitting next to Billy.
She calls Billy a loser and tells him not to talk to her, so Billy embarrasses her by saying, “No, I will not make out with you!” What makes Billy’s initial joke one of the funniest is how badly it bombed in the room, and for highlighting how Billy is more childish than high school students.
This is another quote that shows how hard Billy made it on himself to get through school because, while he wanted to succeed, he was still too immature, even by teenager’s standards, to get through it without causing problems.
15 “Stop Looking At Me, Swan!”
Billy Madison
In one of the earlier scenes in the film, Brian Madison’s guests and business associates are waiting for Billy so that they can sit down and begin eating. Meanwhile, Billy is upstairs taking a bath. Billy is intoxicated, like usual, and is playing with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner as if they were bath toys. He is making them argue about which product is better, before throwing both bottles in the tub. Then Billy turns to the faucet, which is a golden swan, and says, “Stop looking at me, Swan!”
It’s one of the funniest Billy Madison quotes because of how it reveals the nonsense that Billy gets up to when he’s alone. This is one of the Billy Madison quotes that shows that he isn’t just putting on a show for other people or trying to get attention. He is immature and childlike all the time, even when he is alone in the bathtub with his toys.
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14 “Don’t Tell Me My Business, Devil Woman!”
Old Men Clemens
Some of the funniest Billy Madison quotes come from minor characters, like Old Man Clemens (Jack Mather). Mr. Clemens is at the butt-end of one of Billy and his friends’ pranks, in which they put dog poop in a paper bag and set it on fire on Mr. Clemens’s doorstep.
“It’s another one of those flaming bags again!” shouts Clemens, but his wife tells him not to put it out using his boots, to which Clemens yells back, “Don’t tell me my business, devil woman!” What’s even better is that Clemens immediately gets punished for not listening to his wife’s sound advice when he stomps out the fire and ruins his boots with the dog feces.
This is another case where the people who live around Billy Madison are just as immature and simple-minded as Billy, and he might not be that out of the ordinary, despite his lack of education. Incidents like this also help Billy and his friends seem at least smarter than the people they prank.
13 “You Ain’t Cool Unless You Pee Your Pants!”
Billy Madison
One of the more touching moments of Billy Madison is when Billy pretends to pee his pants so that his young friend Ernie isn’t embarrassed. To save Ernie from having the kids laugh at him, Billy splashes water on his jeans. As the kids start to make fun of him, Billy explains, “You ain’t cool unless you pee your pants.”
Since Billy is so much older than them, the young kids think he is right, which means that Ernie is cool too. Apart from being a funny moment, this also helped Billy’s friendship with Ernie and even got him one step closer to winning over Veronica. Billy is not always the nicest person to the kids, and he has treated Ernie with disrespect more than once.
However, it is different to make fun of your friend and for others to do it as well. Here, Billy shows that despite all the trouble he gives Ernie, he won’t let anyone else be mean to his friend. Billy does it out of affection, but he won’t stand for kids who do it out of cruelty.
12 “T-T-T-Today Jr!”
Billy Madison
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While Billy definitely developed over the course of the movie, he started off as a big bully. When Billy reaches third grade, he is introduced to Veronica Vaughn, who wants nothing to do with him. On one of the first days of third grade, Billy is listening to a kid trying to read a passage from a book.
The boy is having some trouble and is stuttering his words, so Billy makes fun of him by saying, “T-T-T-Today JR!” However, Veronica quickly drags him out of the classroom by his ear – a fair payout for one of the meanest Billy Madison quotes. The comment by Billy is cruel and is not like him when it comes down to it.
He is not usually a mean-spirited person, but he is also someone who doesn’t know how to deal with his frustrations. When he lashed out here, it caused Veronica to dress Billy down and let him know she would not accept this attitude. It is where Billy starts to grow a little more when it comes to how he treats others around him.
11 “What Does A Horseshoe Do? Are There Any Horse Socks? Is Anybody Listening To Me?”
Tour Guide
Around the time Billy is slowly earning Veronica’s respect, the third-grade class takes a field trip. Near the scene where Ernie pees his pants and Billy stands up for him, the old lady who serves as a tour guide to the class has another gem of a line. As the class is walking along, she asks the students, “What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?”
This moment is really just a funny one that shows that the tour guide knows that the kids are not really listening to her, and she starts to say the most random things likely in an attempt to amuse herself. However, this isn’t the only quote that this actress gives in the movie, as she is there again with more hilarious Billy Madison quotes later in the movie. Played by Gladys O’Connor, the old lady appears only briefly, but manages to serve not just one, but two of the funniest Billy Madison quotes.
10 “If Peeing In Your Pants Is Cool, Consider Me Miles Davis”
Tour Guide
Billy Madison is a comedy through and through, but there are some scenes that do have some heart to them. One of these scenes is when Ernie pees his pants, and Billy sticks up for his young friend. After telling everyone that peeing their pants is cool, the old farm lady says, “If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
The kids probably don’t even know who the famous jazz trumpeter is, but the audience does. Billy made sure that he let the other kids know that making fun of Ernie was out of the question. To do this, he makes sure to humiliate himself and tells the kids that it makes him cool. The old farm lady who serves as the tour guide doesn’t let this go unnoticed.
She surely knows that Billy is doing something to help his friend, and she wants to take part as well. She admits that she can’t hold her bowels, so this makes her as cool as Billy. The warm intention that led to the ridiculous one-liner only cements its place as one of the funniest quotes in the movie.
9 “O’Doyle Rules!”
O’Doyle Family
Billy meets a new group of kids in each grade level he visits, but one name that sticks around is O’Doyle. The O’Doyle family had a lot of kids who were bullies, who loved to say, “O’Doyle rules!” which was probably said more than any other line throughout the movie. In one scene, Billy even says, “O’Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family is goin’ down,” which of course turned out to be the case.
In the family’s final scene, the father slips on a banana peel while driving, which causes the car to swerve off a cliff, the family chanting their catchphrase all the way to their deaths.
The O’Doyle family even returned years later in Click and Hubie Halloween. In Hubie Halloween, the O’Doyle kids chased after Hubie while riding bicycles and throwing flaming bags of poop at his head (which calls back to the bag of poop Billy left for Old Man Clemens in this movie). This is one of many characters that are repeated throughout Adam Sandler’s movies.
8 When I Graduated First Grade, All My Father Did Was Tell Me To Get A Job.”
Frank
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After Billy graduates from his first class, Frank (Norm McDonald) and Billy are munching on cotton candy at Billy’s graduation party. A kid who grabs a prize from a smashed piñata is surprised to see that it’s a fancy watch, so he thanks Billy. Frank tells Billy, “This is great! When I graduated first grade, all my father did was tell me to get a job.”
It quickly paints a dark picture of Frank’s relationship with his father. It also establishes Norm Macdonald’s Frank as a character viewers should keep an eye on, early in the movie. He has plenty of small one-liners that he throws out that fans might miss out on if they aren’t paying attention.
Macdonald died in 2021, but he was a mainstay in Adam Sandler’s movies over the years, with Billy Madison as his very first movie role. He went on to make appearances in everything from Funny People and Grown Ups to Jack & Jill and The Ridiculous 6.